Dude, what the hell?! I’m freaking failing school and i’m homeschooled! I thought it was easy but going to school online is fucking delirious. I have to scan and copy and something else just to get my math homework in; so i haven’t been doing it. I didn’t start school until January 20th or 21st because i was out since August 08 (expulsion), so i’ve missed basically everything i need to know to help me pass the 10th grade (at least the basic stuff). Now i’m FAILING! I’ve never ever failed a grade before. I’ve always been a straight A student with a few B’s here and there; point is i’ve ALWAYS been a star student until I started freshman year at a trashy, ghetto “high school”, i wouldn’t even call it a high school! That place had pregnant girls everywhere, fights and bomb threats up the ass! The police were there almost every freaking day or someone’s probation officer was asking everyone where their dumb delinquent was. The teachers just passed you, they became friends with the students instead of being the teacher. I mean, everything was wrong. We had “security guards”, psh more like rent-a-cops and fucked up metal detectors that beeped when you didn’t have anything on you. Not to mention everyone knew everyone, cousins, sisters, brothers. Full families went to that damn school! I’m not from Ohio (where I live), I’m from Detroit. So I have no family, and no friends that live down here. Which made me the outcast at school; no one liked me. I was constantly talked about, people were trying to fight me and of course no friends (as usual).
At the time I was 5’8, 15 years old, 183 pounds, bunny teeth and I had a big butt. So imagine me trying to find clothes (wasn’t even possible). I may sound ugly (I probably am) but I had clear skin; no acne and when I did it was very little and unnoticeable. My hair hit right at my chin (decent length) but I always wore ponytails because my hair is too hard to do and I didn’t have any money to get it done every week (that sucked ass). My kin complexion is like a nice smooth caramel colour (think Rihanna, Beyonce) and I have brown eyes. I’m not that horrible to look at (I hope not). Pretty much the guys at school thought I was cute, I guess. I don’t know how but they just wanted to f*ck me. I’m a virgin so that plan didn’t go to well. They tried their hardest to get me to have sex with them but I didn’t because i’m not ready; i’m too young anyways! Ew, that’s disgusting, bleh.
Anyways, while they were trying to persuade me I was getting bullied by a lot of the girls and teased like crazy. The worst time that I would get picked on was at lunch. OHMYGOD! Just thinking about it makes me want to cry because I never did anything to anybody. I just wanted friends like everybody else, but that has never been possible for me. I’m a nice person, very sweet and charming. I try my best not to judge and if I do, i always apologize. I’ve never had real, true friends and sometimes I wonder, if I ever will. I don’t know what is that people find so, uh, what’s the word? Gross? Yeah, that’s the word. I speak my mind, i’m friendly, easy-going, very simple, funny (in a lame way), smart, good at giving advice, great listener, i’m not promiscuous, not doing drugs nor drinking, i like reading and writing poetry, i love all music genres, i love musicals and magic tricks and lame jokes. I’m just a big kid, I’ve never had a childhood (I was abused and bullied). So what’s the problem?! I do admit that i can be sarcastic and pessimistic, along with being a pushover and hard-headed but who isn’t at some point in their lives? I’m a shy person, so it takes a while for me to open up but when i do i just want someone to listen but there’s no one there. It hurts knowing that everyone is looking at your flaws and not the good things about you.
Being in that school shattered my self-confidence. I used to LOVE singing! I used to sing every day but when I went to that school, i dreaded going to choir class. Everyone used my talent and mad everything into a competition. Someone would always say that so and so sonds better when they really sounded like crap. They only said it because it was family or their friend. I stopped participating in the group songs and stopped doing solos at the concerts. I just faded into the background and watched my dream crash and burn into a pit of hateful teenagers. It hurt like hell and it always will. Now when I sing, ugh…I sound horrible. My voice can’t hit a lot of notes anymore, even after i warm up, i strain to hit every note. I used to be able to fly right through a song and now i can’t even do that. Singing was the one thing that kept me going, now that’s gone.
Throughout all the bullying and public humilition, i was suspended 3 times for fighting, failing all classes except choir (we ended up doing bookwork for the rest of the year), i had lost every “friend”, kissed a few disgusting guys and even had a plan to have sex with this guy i liked (i didn’t go through with it), i tried drinking, smoked a few blacks and cigarettes, had phone sex, skipped school 3 times, skipped class 2 times,and i had a bad attendance record. I started cutting and ended up being hospitalized. I tried to hang myself one day before I was released because i knew that i had to go back to that school and things at home weren’t that good either. I just wanted out, forever. I was diagnosed with, Bi-polar disorder, ADHD and Depression.
When i got back to school, nobody and i mean NOBODY even asked where i was for a week and a half. The teacher did and i heard someone say that they didn’t even notice i was gone. Mhm. I don’t know why that surprised me but it did. I guess just hearing it right in front of my face was the reason. I kept my feelings inside and went on with the day; got into fight at lunch. Some girl claimed that i was talking about her, i had my back facing her so how could she see my mouth or hear me? I was across the room. She had someone from her clique come up to me asking me stupid questions and then i got an attitude and that’s when all hell broke loose. It sickens me to know that people do anything just to be seen, especially in high school. I was suspended for the rest of the year, meaning i had to take all of my final exams at home and after-school. I still failed them but i passed freshman year, just barely.
I’m not even done with this story yet; but right now that walk down memory lane has really brought me down. I’ll post the rest later, i hope someone understands how i feel, I could really use some advice, and a friend. I’m asking for too much, aren’t i? I thought so too.
